Rants

[Robyn147]

I don't know if I'm allowed to open up a thread that is not solely dedicated to PCOS or PCOS-related issues. So please excuse me if I broke any rules. That was definitely not my intention.
I've noticed that lots of us have negative experiences (of course, positive ones, too!). Some are seriously disturbing, some just annoying, but we all want/need to vent about them. Usually, we just add our rant to a post on one of the boards as part part of a daily report or a question, and it's often accompanied by "sorry, but I have a rant". So I thought: why not have a thread that's dedicated to complaining and ranting? No need to apologize for it, since that's what the thread is for, and it's a great place to get support without bothering the other conversations on the other boards!
I know that for me, personally, reading other people's rants is often cathartic! It helps me to know other people deal with that same things I deal with, so I hope you'll enjoy this thread and not hate me for creating it.

Okay - so I'll start.
It's been a little over 9 weeks since I gave birth to Jonathan, and it feels like every day my marriage is getting worse and worse. DH and I barely talk to each other anymore, and when we do talk, we mostly fight. We can't agree on anything!
Just to be clear: I don't think we rushed into marriage or having a baby. We've been together for almost 9 years, married for almost 3. We TTC'ed for a year before I conceived J and he was definitely wanted and waited for. We used to be so close; really, I always thought of DH as my closest friend and family. We have lots of shared interests and we used to spend lots of time together and agree on almost everything. So, I don't think our problems stem from us being unprepared for this baby. (Of course, reality is different from what we expected and life's much harder than he thought it would be, but we're so happy to have J in our lives).
I do realize that some of it may be my fault. I've been over-sensitive since my 2nd tri and I am still very touchy. I take offense very easily lately, which probably contributes to our problems. But I don't think it's just me! Ever since the baby was born, DH has been working much more than he used to (we're both PhD students, not paid by the hour!). He comes home, opens up the computer and continues working! We don't have any time just to ourselves (even when the baby's sleeping or with his grandparents) and we constantly fight over his family's (mostly, his mother's) behavior, which drives me insane, but which he thinks is perfectly fine. For almost two months I would cry every day over his mother, and he never once took my side or offered to help solve the problems we were having. Instead, he kept blaming me for being paranoid and crazy and acting badly. I finally talked to his mom and sort of resolved the situation myself. I expected him to support me and be proud of me for getting over myself and taking that step, but he didn't. He just told me (again) that I was being paranoid and crazy. He makes a mess every evening when he comes home and when I ask him to clean up after himself he says I've gone completely OCD about cleaning the house and that it's not good for the baby. I've asked him a dozen times to get food from the store and he always says he doesn't have time, so I end up going (with baby in tow!) or asking my sister. Am I completely crazy for thinking he should be pulling his weight? Isn't it obvious that he should do these things, when it's so much easier for him to go right after work than for me to schlep the baby with me (besides, he takes our car with the car-seat base so I have to strap the car seat into my mom's car, which I borrow for the occasion).
I guess I am crazy, because on the one hand I want him to be home more often, and on the other hand, when he is home we barely talk and just fight all the time. I feel so alone all day long at home. Sometimes it feels like I just while the time away, waiting for him to come home all day. And then when he gets home he doesn't seem happy to see me, so why do I care so much!?
He's great with J and loves him with all his heart. I just feel like he doesn't love me anymore.

Ugh... what do I do!? How do I get us back on track? If anyone has been in a similar situation, please advise!
Thanks for letting me rant... I really needed to get this off my chest.

Everyone else is more than welcome to share their rants!

[SunshineDust]

Robyn- I have absolutely no advice, but just wanted to say I'm in the same boat. Everyday it feels like my marriage is slipping away. We fight pretty much everyday...mostly over stupid stuff...sometimes over the babies...the biggest reason is his ridiculous family. He's been working so much and always says how tired he is, but when he's working that much that means I AM TOO!! For the last 2 weeks I've pretty much been a single parent to triplets since he has been working about 12 hours a day. We could use the extra money, especially with the holidays, but taking care of the babies all by myself 5-6 days a week, 12 hours a day, it's making me crazy!!

Aside from that we're always getting in fights over his family. His family is constantly annoying the heck out of me...whether it's telling me what I'm doing wrong with the babies, showing up unannounced and just sitting around staring at me while I do all the work with the babies, offering help and then when we try to take them up on the offer they back out on us...and the latest is his mom wants us to come to Atlanta (6 hour drive) for Christmas. Why can't they come here?!?! Why do we have to travel 6 hours with 3 infants to spend 2 days with them!? Why can't they just come down here to see the babies and bring their gifts? I don't even want to think of everything we'd have to pack to take them somewhere for 2 days. But he'll never say anything to his family and I always get the "this is how we do it in my family" speech. When is he going to realize that WE are his family now!?

It's the same thing when it comes to buying them gifts. They're very rich and always request expensive gifts for themselves and their 2 kids...I told DH we're getting them what we can afford. It's a huge argument every year. Well this year we couldn't afford to spend much more than $5 a person (I found some good deals at Old Navy)...and now he's freaking out that his stepdad is going to say something because I bought his gift from Old Navy. I guess that's too low class for them.

WE HAVE TRIPLETS PEOPLE!!!!!!!!! LIVING ON ONE INCOME NOW!!!!!!!!!!! I'm sorry I can't buy Ralph Lauren and Lacoste for Christmas this year!!!!!!!!!!


I wish I had some advice for you though Robyn...other than my doctor putting me on anti-anxiety medication I haven't found much that helps lol.

[shelly kay]

I love a rant section!!

Ok, having a baby totally will put a strain on your marriage. Not too many people talk about the fallout, just the joy. My advice is maybe to get a babysitter (family if they are willing so you don't have to spend money), and force you and your DH to go out just yourselves. This way, you can talk without any interruptions. Just say exactly what is bothering you, and let him do the same. Maybe even plan a little somethin' somethin' afterwards, to seal the deal. Maybe if you aren't even in the mood, this might help as well. That's all I have. I know when things get crazy for me and DH, we usually end up just talking in bed, for a good 10-15 minutes every few nights. Hang in there. It's tough, but well worth working out.

On the whole Christmas gift buying, buy what you can afford!!! I would sure hope they understand you have triplets, and a family of your own now. With my two sisters and I, we have 9 kids total. That's a lot of gift buying. We went out together on black Friday, and helped each other pick out gifts for our kids. We got great stuff, that averaged out to about $5-7 per kid! We were use to spending $15 on each one. Such a relief.

So, I don't have any rants right now, but I am sure I will soon!!!

[Robyn147]

Hey Judy - thanks for commiserating!
I feel so depressed sometimes, and I only have the one baby to take care of! Besides, my little sister is a big help and spends a lot of time with me, and even my big sister (with whom I don't get along that well) makes the 2-hour drive every week to spend a day with the baby and I. You're definitely dealing with a lot more than me.

I totally get the family thing. That's exactly what I keep saying to DH: "Now, we're your family!". I hope you guys work out something for X-mas. I can't imagine such a long drive with 3 infants, not to mention the crazy logistics involved with getting just one baby out of the house for two whole days! I hope you manage to hold your ground. And what's this craziness about gifts?! Are you supposed to go into debt to buy presents?? That makes no sense at all! Family is supposed to know to back off when you're going through a rough time, and they're supposed to help out when you have trouble making ends meet (especially if they have the money to do so).
And I just can't believe they show up and criticize how you care for your babies. That's insane! Where do they get the nerve? my MIL doesn't outright criticize me but she drops little hints that I'm doing things wrong or that she knows better than me. Ugh! And my DH (in this case 'D' stands for dumba$$) thinks I imagine it all!
I swear sometimes I think he'd rather raise Jonathan with his mom than with me. Just the other day he blurted out that he doesn't trust me with the baby. He said I let the baby nurse every time he cries (after the doctor told us to try to space out his feedings at 3 hours apart) instead of trying to control his eating. And in the next breath he said he trusts his mom implicitly. Excuse me!? How can you trust the woman who smokes and says "There's nothing harmful about it to a baby". How can you trust someone whose attention span is about 20 minutes long before she completely loses herself to whatever's on TV? Sure, she helps me out a lot by bringing over food and taking the baby for a walk every couple of days, but I would not trust her to raise my baby (yes, even though she raised DH.... that was 25 years ago). Her entire value system is different than mine and her views on education are completely opposite of mine. On top of that, I can't believe he would even hint that I am not taking care of this baby to the best of my ability, in spite of sometimes thinking that I am simply not going to make it through the day. He hasn't spent one lousy day alone with the baby since he was born. If he has to take care of him for even 1 hour while I'm away, he takes the baby to his parents' and stays there until I get home. Talk about not dealing with anything!

Hey Shelly - just saw your post.
What you're saying makes sense, but I hate leaving my baby with someone else. I don't have a sitter I trust and I don't like leaving him with my MIL for longer than an hour. She goes crazy after that long, anyway. Plus, the baby still eats every 2-3 hours, so it's not exactly possible to leave for long. As for talking in bed - not possible either! I crash at 10 PM when the baby is finally asleep and DH comes to bed around 3 AM and sometimes he evens sleeps on the couch! What is up with that!? At first I though he didn't want to bother me, but now I think I may be the one bothering him, for some unknown reason.
I've tried talking to him but it's like we're speaking different languages. I talk and he just doesn't get it.
Right now I can't even imagine dtd. We haven't since I gave birth, and I'm scared it will really hurt the first time. I don't want it to be rushed, and I definitely don't want to do it when I am so full of resentment, frustration and hurt. It will definitely suck and that will just make me feel worse.

[chelseaf]

Robyn, it sounds like your DH needs a nice reality check! I can't believe he said that to you about nursing. He needs to realize that YOU are his mother and are with him all day, everyday. It sounds like you two need to have some alone time to talk things out. He obviously isn't understanding all you go through. Maybe your sister can watch the baby for an hour or two while you two talk? He needs to see that the three of you are a family now and that his mother is grandma, not mom. There should probably be some separation there for a little bit so that the three of you can get into a routine without other people coming in and throwing things off. I hope things get better soon!

Judy, I say you tell DH no way Jose! LOL. I can't even imagine taking Cora on a drive 6 hours away. It will make a 6 hour trip 8 or more! On Xmas presents, that is ridiculous! In my family we draw names because there are way too many people and on tight budgets. He might be caring more than they actually do.

[dizzyliz]

Hi gals. I totally feel for you guys!! The first yr after having a child is tough, let alone three. You have to work at it. You've dreamed of having a family, you, dh and baby (babies),and it's all supposed to be perfect. Then reality sets in. Marriage is a job and children are a job!!! No one tells you that.

On the marriage front.
#1 be patient
#2 talk don't yell at each other
#3 don't criticize each other
#4 try to have alone time and do not hold a conversation about the children ( this makes
you communicate and be with each other, the focus is on you two)
#5 it's not just you adjusting, men see us in a different light after having children and
sometimes they need a reminder that you're the same person before having children,
the circumstances have just changed. That's why alone time is so important.

Dhs have a hard time believing that taking care of a child is work. They see themselves as the worker in the family. That changes usually down the road. They have to be in our situation not for a day or two but several if not more to get the full grisp of what we actually do!!

The families. We married women have a tendency of having problems with dh's family. Take it for what it's worth. If they give advice listen, it might actually be a better way. If not, shrug it off!!!! It's not worth it!! Believe me I've had 15+ yrs of irritation and have 3 sets of in-laws. It's not gonna stop and it ain't worth making mountains out of mole hills. Yes you are his family, but so are his parents and other relatives. It just doesn't switch to you guys. It didn't when it was the two of you, did it and you include your family for the most part correct? You're used to your own family, faults and all. Dh's family you really don't see as your family, but as people you have to put up with and it's vice versa concerning your dh. Extended family is the hardest part of being married!!

Sunshine- Who cares what they get!! With triplets they are lucky to get anything at all!! Besides Christmas isn't about what you get or recieve, it's about being together and enjoying each others company. Of course the religious reasons too!! I don't think they expect anything from you and dh and if they do shame on them!!! Again, it isn't worth it too get in a fuss about. I would make sure though that for each family, dhs and yours recieve similar types of gifts. That's just the easiest way and if dh has a problem with what his family is recieving then you can point out that both families recieved similar stuff.


Ladies it's an adjustment. Believe me I can rant and rave about so many things!!! I just try to take everything for what it's worth and move on.

Wishing you gals the best,
Liz

[skusisto]

Judy - We didn't drive further than 2 hours with the twins until this year! And didn't stay over night ANYWHERE until they were almost 2! I would also say NO WAY to a 6 hour drive with the triplets!!!! CRAZY! Grandparents and people with older children get amnesia REALLY fast when it comes to their own convenience... How would you even begin to pack 2 pack n plays, all their clothing, diapers, bottles, and anything else you can think they would need for 2 days?! CRAZY!

Robyn - J is eating every 2-3 hours and somehow DH thinks that is too frequent? I could understand if it was every hour (my mom called that "snacking"...) but 2-3 hours is normal. It's certainly possible to get your baby stretched to 3 hours if you really want to, but I don't think it's even necessary... there are lots of different parenting theories out there and the "every 3 hours" family is just one.

If you're having trouble talking with DH... call a counselor. Maybe if you tell DH that you want to do that he'll finally listen to you. Maybe you're overly sensitive to his mother... but he CERTAINLY isn't helping! All you can do is do what you think is best... the favorite thing I read in my kids first year was, "There are thousands of ways to raise a child... and only a few that will really screw them up!" If you are doing things with J in mind and making decisions out of love for him, you're not doing anything wrong.

As for the fights... I hate to say, they don't stop... my DH and I have had a few doozies in the past couple of months... he thinks I'm too lenient... I think he's a dictator... the funny thing is, he agrees and thinks that's fine! Ugh! That's one we're never going to agree on... and I don't know how to get around it either. The kids and I do fine on our own. He and I do fine on our own. He and kids actually do pretty well on their own for short periods of time. All of us as a family is chaos! It makes me sad, but I don't know how to fix that either.

[SunshineDust]

I've always had a huge problem with DH's family. They're super rich and stuck up and we've always had to go to them to visit and it's always annoyed the hell out of me. That's his mom's side. His dad's side...well if anyone heard me rant when we lived with his dad for a couple of months, you know the man is an insensitive idiot (he told me he was getting rid of my cat while I was in recovery after my c-section and lied to the nicu on more than one occassion to get medical information before us...I could go on for days, but I won't). They expect us to be at their house every holiday, ignoring the fact that I also have a family.

I tried telling DH we didn't have money to get people gifts at all this year, but oh no that wasn't going to happen. When I tell him that we can't afford to get what they told us to get them for Christmas I'm told that that isn't how it works in his family. In my opinion, we are his immediate family now. He needs to look out for us first and if his family is upset that we didn't get his little brother a $60 xbox game, then too bad. I've always felt that way..even before we had kids. Not to get all religious, but when we got married he left his parents and became one with ME.


Aside from that, I also think this 6 hour trip to Atlanta is absolute nonsense. But he's not backing down. He told me today that I don't have to go then, that he'd take the babies by himself. Um, yeah okay because that's going to make me look like a real winner. His mom and stepdad could afford to fly down to see the babies. I don't get why we have to go to them!? The amount of stuff we need to take care of them on a daily basis is not going to fit in our car. They are going to be insanely cranky. It took them a week to calm down after we moved because of the change in the environment so I'm sure this is going to be a real joy. I don't even know how we're going to do this. But I guess I don't get much of a choice in the matter...I'm just going to take my xanax and wear a shirt that says I told you so!! lol!

[Tink]

Judy- lol on the shirt!

We stopped traveling last nov when I was pg w/ Anna. We just told family (dh's family, mine is local) that we were no longer traveling for the holidays until the kids were older but they were welcome to come out here. It's just a hassle and they get so off schedule and sorry if I'm not making a 12+ hr trip to his mom's house...especially with Anna who despises her carseat.

On gifts, we have told both families that we think gift giving at Christmas should be about the kids so we are focusing all energy on the children in our family (our kids and nieces and nephews) and no gifts for adults. We do go get a family portrait done at target each year for each of our parents, but that's 3.99 a sheet. We don't like to go crazy with gift giving anyway. We are only buying Owen a couple of things and will have 1 or 2 things for Anna (mostly for Owen's benefit of seeing she got something from Santa too).

[flutter]

On getting along with DH's after giving birth... I think it's really hard to not feel sort of alone in caring for the child. You were the one who carried them for 9 months and went through all of the hormonal and physical changes. Then you give birth which is traumatic for both you and the child, but your DH can't really relate or take part in that either... Then you have to recover from that while caring for the child and still being hormonal. If you're breastfeeding they need you 24-7 w/out breaks and you're the one that's up and down with them all night every night and with them all day every day. There is no walking away for an hour or two of peace and quiet anymore. DH's can't really fully understand how that feels and regardless of how helpful they are the reality is that you're always going to feel like you're the one who did and is doing all of the work. Even women can't understand how that feels until they've gone through it. I know I didn't really "get" it until now. My DH has been a fantastic dad and husband. He's been supportive, he's been up with me at night, he has done every single thing that I have asked him to do to make things easier for me. He takes her when she's fussy and i can't get her to stop crying, he gives me 2 hrs every morning to sleep without Lela in the room so I can get some sound sleep and he's constantly telling me what a great job I'm doing and how patient I am and how great it is that I'm breast feeding her and putting myself through the challenges of that... Even with all of that and having a fantastic and supportive husband I have a hard time not feeling a little bitter towards him every time I'm up at 2am trying to get her to stop crying or when she wants to nurse every hour and I can't get a break. I think that it's just something that men can't ever understand and that's a huge part of why it's hard to get along straight after having a child. They just can't fully relate b/c they can't experience it themselves. I certainly don't know what the answer to keeping your marriage going after having children is ( heck i'm only 3 weeks in)... but I will say that speaking as a child who's parents are divorced, you should try everything in your power to make it work. And if it worked before you had children, with a little patience and a lot of effort it WILL work after children. I think you just have to find the give and take with each other and learn to take one another's points of view into account... And most of all you have to think before you say hurtful things to each other because you can't take them back. All much easier said than done, but that's my 2 cents!!