Lost it on Christmas Eve (really LONG)

[bbmk2]

Well, ladies, Christmas has finally come and gone and 2007 will be history soon. GOOD RIDDANCE to the worst year of my life.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I have been dreading Christmas for months. I've tried to put up a good front for everyone...I even went so far as to host a huge Christmas party at my home. It was the only thing that kept me going. If you had been to my party, you would have no idea that the woman throwing the party was on the verge of a total meltdown every minute of the day.

Memories are so cruel sometimes. Every single thing this season reminded me of last year when I was on cloud nine and just starting into the 2nd trimester. We told our families on Christmas Eve and as these were going to be the first grandchildren on both sides, the rejoicing was incredible! I remember my MIL literally jumping up and down with excitement. My father walked up and down his street to tell all the neighbors that he was going to be a grandpa of twins. I remember going to Christmas Eve service at my in-laws church and my MIL and FIL told the whole congregation and there was such excitement. I remember putting up the stockings and realizing that with me, DH and the dog, there was only one stocking holder left so we would have to buy a special one for the doggie's stocking so there would be enough room for both babies stockings next year. I remember looking at the most beautiful Christmas baby clothes and DH telling me that we would have to buy not one, but two of those next year! I remember the special wrapping paper we used to wrap "I love Grandma" bibs to put under the tree as a surprise.

I'm just so sad this year. DH is wonderful and supportive, but I think he has hit the limit of sympathy for me. Lately he keeps saying things like "There's no point in looking backwards" , "We need to look forward", "Our future is in the future", blah blah, blah..... But the most hurtful thing happened a few days before Christmas. Our local fire company does the neatest thing with someone dressing up as Santa and sitting on the fire truck and they drive around with the lights and sirens blaring through the neighborhoods. Everyone comes out of their houses and fireman jump off the truck to give candy to all the children. It's the coolest thing ever. Well, we heard the sirens and knew it was Santa so we put the dog on the leash and went outside to take a picture and wave to the firemen. After they passed our house, I burst into tears because I remembered thinking last year that we would take the babies outside to meet the firemen for the first time. Of course, DH got frustrated with me and said, "You can take the happiest moments and find a way to make them sad". He really hurt my feelings. I'm trying so hard to keep it together, and yes, I'm depressed and sad, and damnit, I have a right to feel like crap. My babies are dead. TTC is not working well. Everyone around me seems to think that I should be "over it" by now and that it's OK to talk about babies and pregnancy around me.

BUT, the worst was yet to come. I have been begging DH to not make me go to Christmas Eve service this year, but he just brushed it off and told me how disappointed his family would be if we weren't there. Well golly, we'd never want to disappoint the in-laws. Gee, I've already done that by losing their grandchildren. So, off to church we go. My FIL had too much to drink so we had to drive them to church and we didn't have our own vehicle (I no longer had an escape plan). Then, my MIL chooses a pew to sit in and guess what????? Directly in front of me, no less than a foot from my face, is an infant about 6-7 months old and the baby is STARING at me. Rebekah and Jacob would have been the exact same age as this baby. I thought I was going to absolutely lose it right there. I had no car to escape to, I was in the middle of the pew and couldn't get out without making a scene. It was horrible. The tears stung terribly throughout the whole service. Holy Infant...so tender and mild....and she was with child.....for unto you a child is born....blah, blah, blah.....I don't know how I did it, but I made it through the service and the car ride back to the in-laws, and then I locked myself in a bedroom to "change clothes" and I just lost it. I can't believe that the babies have been dead for nearly 11 months. The pain was as raw and sharp as the days that they died. I just sat on the floor in the corner and sobbed for what felt like hours. The death of a child has to be the worst pain in the world.

So, Christmas is over. I feel as though I can take a deep breath again. A dear friend told me that this Christmas was going to be terribly hard as it's the first one without the children. But, she promised me that next year would be better. It has to be.

Here are my resolutions for the coming year:
1. Start looking forward, not backwards all the time.
2. Stop being angry with God and attempt to re-connect with our church.
3. Lose 50 pounds and try to rebuild my self-image.

My hope and wish for every one of you is some kind of peace in your lives and a happier 2008.

Betsy

[aimee]

Betsy - I am so sorry that your holiday was so hard! I can only imagine. I know how hard it is to ttc but it must be soooooo much harder to have your babies then lost them! Add the holiday season and it is so much more stressful and sad. I am so sorry about what you were and are going through! I know how family and even DH sometimes don't understand and can be so hurtful (sometimes without even knowing they are). Anytime you need to vent we are here so vent away. I hope the new year brings you lots of new hope and makes all your dreams and resolutions come true. Hang in there and take care of yourself! :D

[kadi]

I'm so sorry Betsy. You are a really strong person for making it through everything. I truly hope and believe that the new year will signify a new start for you and DH. Sending you BIG HUGS and lots of prayers.

[tryin'4#1]

Very rough 2007 for you. I feel as though my DH gets annoyed with me too sometimes about feeling sad. You have every right to feel that way and to be able to express it. Christmas is such a difficult time as it is- pressure from in-laws, purchasing gifts, expectations, etc., to go through this first Christmas without your babies has to be so hard. I know I keep thiniking 'Oh, I would have been 1/2 way through on Christmas'. It is hard. I hope today is better, and I am with you- looking forward to a better 2008.

[tricia]

Betsy...man....I can't even imagine...hang in there and try to focus on the goals....they sound great to me ;) The pain is always going to be there, but will be easier to handle as time goes on.

I took over a year to get over my m/c at 10wks...and took many more years to be able to "handle" the u/s pictures, the calendar...the memories....

[dutchfrog]

betsy:
I miscarried in feb of 03. And for the LONGEST TIME especially in the fall when he/she would have been born I was so sad. Then when feb came around I was sad again. I would feel like OMG EVERY horny teenage girl in america can get knocked up but I can't get pregnant.
It took me about 3 years to really start to let go. Back when I was pregnant I'd subscribed to ivilliage I think it was and they would send me weekly updates on 'how my baby was doing and growing'. When the one that stated "YOUR BABY IS 3 WEEKS OLD TODAY" I sat down at my computer and sobbed. My baby WASN'T three weeks old today. my boyfriend (who is now my fiance) was incredibly sad too. Though at the time we were only 19(me) and 22(him) it became apparent after I miscarried that a baby is something we both wanted incredibly bad.
This past October I was dx with PCOS. So I found out that it didn't matter how good our timing was or how many times we dtd it just wasn't going to happen without any kind of treatment.
Then in November I had my first O probably since I got pregnant in 03.
I can tell you that with time the wounds will heal. This year I gave it but a fleeting thought said a little prayer and felt good.
I take comfort in knowing that God wouldn't have put me through anything I can't handle. I also take comfort in the hope of future BFP. In hindsight at baby at that time for us (he/she would have been born right around the time we'd have been dating for a year) would probably not have been the best course for our lives. We were still in school, barely working, both lived at home. I didn't have a driver's license...etc... now we are going to back off for a while even though we were given the green light to go ahead and start TTC again and not exhaust ourselves in the effort but if it happens it happens and we'll rejoice.
It will take a while to fully heal. If you'd like sit your DH here and let him read this. It took about 3 or almost 4 years for me to not get sad and weepy around the times of his/her birthday or miscarriage date. And I still get a little solemn when I see people with little babies. And when my SIL's get PG... one of my SILs is due in about 2 weeks and it KILLS me that they are able to have baby after baby and I'm still waiting on number 1. Even though I am rather excited for the birth of my new nephew.

[Ishall]

Betsy, I can understand how you're feeling, and I'm so sorry. The first Christmas, Mother's/Father's Day, and all birthdays, are going to be extremely hard. Some days it is going to feel like the day your babies were born all over again. Grieving just becomes part of your life, but with time, it get's easier to deal with and still go on with yor life without total melt downs. And then you have these kinds of days. It's so not fair, I know. No one can truly understand what you're going through, not DH, not me, not anyone else here - so don't feel bad about grieving "in front of" others. And I know it can be painful when dh doesn't seem to be supprotive, but what I learned from my dh is that since he can't fix it, and make me "better" it just frustrates him. He thinks his job is to take care of us and the family and since he can't fix this, he doesn't want to deal. Now that in a few days I will be at the same point in this pregnancy that I was when my baby was born, I get total melt downs and start to freak out. Dh tells me to think positive and he continues to plan accordingly for this baby, totally disregarding my fears. He only wants to deal with what is in front of him and what he can work on right now. I think your resolutions are great, if that is what you feel you need to do, but don't apologize for being sad. You have every right to be, and we'll be here when you need to vent.