Ramblings

[ndinkel]

I got my 2nd AF (in a row too) w/o any meds at all! THat has not happened for years! I know I had heard that a m/c will sometimes heal your body (anyone else hear that?) and I hate to think that sending my baby to Heaven is what is healing me, but at the moment I am trying to find any positive thing that I can.
I keep thinking that one day I will have this "ah hah" moment and I will know why my baby had to die. Like the next one will save someone's life and then I will know that it never would have happened if I hadn't lost the first baby. I'll stop rambling now. I still haven't found a penny but I am keeping my eyes open for a message from my angel...
Ok, not done rambling...
I told my DH about the poem and left it for him on the table before I left for work. I don't know if he read it or not. When I told him I wrote it, he said "are you going crazy again" I know he didn't mean to hurt me but it did. I told him that writing makes it easier for me. When I write poems about the baby it helps me through it. I think he just thinks that if I am thinking about it that it isn't good. I don't know. I got to the point that I am almost afraid to talk about it. I was so excited about the fact that we were closer to being able to try again (this was before the 2nd AF) and then he said maybe we should wait 4 cycles just to make sure! I didn't even say again. Then the other day he told me (and was very excited and with a smile) that he had a dream that we got preg. on our own w/o meds. And when I got my 2nd AF he was happy and smiled and gave me "knuckles"
Is anyone else completly CONFUSED by their DH?

[bbmk2]

Hi there-I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm also very happy to hear that your body is working on it's own! Yes, I have heard that after a pregnancy sometimes our bodies work better because they seem to know what to do now.

I understand your husband's confusing moods and words. Men don't have the same outlets that we do and so they deal with grief and sadness and disappointment very differently then us women. It's hard to figure them out sometimes. Your poem was beautiful and I truly loved it. I didn't share it with my husband because he would have a hard time with the genuine feelings that you express in the poem. Men are supposed to protect us and to "fix us" when we are broken and he can't protect or fix you when it comes to your grief. This makes him feel very vulnerable and useless. There have been many nights when my tears have started and the first words out of DH's mouth were "Please don't cry". What do you mean "don't cry"!!! I have to cry! I'm sad and depressed and miss my babies! So, I've learned to say back, "you don't need to fix me right now, I just need you to hold me while I cry". It has helped us to get through the past few months and be able to heal together.

Keep writing your poems, you are very talented and it will bring you some amount of peace.