Anybody else thinking of just one child??

[ahacker]

I am grappling hard with this decision. I know I am not ready to have another child right now, for sure. Honestly though, I am thinking maybe one is enough for me. How do you know if you are making the right decision?? DH wants another one. He doesn't want Willow to grow up alone. I don't really either. But the other issue is ... I don't know if I can handle another child. I hated being pregnant. Except, for feeling her move and seeing the ultrasounds. The first year wasn't so hot either. Looking back now, I am pretty sure I had PPD. I love Willow to death, but she has also been a difficult child. What do they call that?? A high needs baby. Yup. She isn't as bad now. But she still wants to be held 24/7 and it is killing my body. I am scared to death that I will have another high needs baby. I really don't think I could handle it. DH doesn't help me much. He is also gone 12 hours a day most days. So, I wonder if I should listen to him, when I am the one who will be dealing with them most of the time.

Is anyone else having these same thoughts? Or thinking of stopping at one??

I am scared to have an only child. I don't want to offend anyone that is an only child. There are certainly exceptions!! But almost all the people I know that are an only child... are very self centered and spoiled or just not well adjusted. I only know one exception myself. I know several of the others. How do you raise an only child to not be this way??

Any thoughts would be appreciated!!

Amy

[mara232]

I want more than one child but I do have a fear that DS will be an only child and it scares me. I want him to grow up with a sibling or two. Every child is different. And barring any genetic reasons with Willow being a high needs baby your next one may very well be that perfect baby! My DS is high needs too and all I can hope is that the next one gives me a break. And lets me sleep at night! LOL With the next one I am going to have a huge career change so it may help a bit too. I hear ya on the PPD - I had that too. Next time I will try meds if it doesn't clear up quick enough.. ((hugs)) hard decision. You are pretty young and can wait a bit until you are sure.

[wantingbabynumber2]

Amy~ I had always wanted more than one child 3-4 at least so did hubby when we were told we'd never have kids I was horribly depressed. I surprisingly got pregnant with Hannah and had complications from the beginning and was on bed rest from bleeding the end of the pregnancy was awesome with the exception of I delivered at 27 weeks and we went through 99 days of the N ICU and six surgeries by the time she was 17-18mths so I SWORE I was done way done. Plus I was 33. But after a few months of a healthy baby and seeing what an awesome child she was I started feeling guilty for not wanting to give her a sibling and wondering what a second would be like. I mean my hubby and I created her she learned everything from me she looked like me I was in awe of her and what we created. But Hannah was a super easy baby and slept and ate and behaved like and angel I would take 10 like her. But what finally kinda pushed me over the edge was Christopher Reeve's (superman) son who lost his dad then his mom got cancer. I was like sure he has family but no siblings if he loses both parents it was my main factor I think in giving her a sibling. He did eventually lose both. With the TTC it was so hard because I was like on a mission of what do I tell her when she is older that I didn't want another one cuz her birth/childhood was too hard on me? I felt lots of guilt and pressure that most mom's dont usually feel. We kinda had another oops after taking a break and conceived and were tickled to death but I have had issues with constant monitoring and worry and now recently GD and shortening cervix so its like why did I do this and went through a time where I felt like I was broken not only to have PCOS and issues TTC but now I can't even be pregnant right type of thing. But I know in the end I want and love this baby. I finally realized that if I had to spend 9 months in the hospital on bed rest would it be worth it of course because there are some women who never experience having their own children and I should be grateful I got so lucky not one but twice. You really need to have a heart to heart with your husband and see how he feels also. Ultimately it is up to you because you have to carry the baby and if you are miserable pregnant that can make it so much harder. But that being said not all pregnancies are alike mine are polar opposites and no two kids are alike I will let you know about that in a few weeks. Hoping mine are quite similar haha. There are adjustments and fighting and arguing that will go on. I am not looking forward to that with my girls but at the same time I can honestly tell you some of the arguing and fights my siblings and I had are some of those memories that make up a family. I hated my brother when he tried to make a spear gun to kill my fish now today its a funny story but that was all part of growing up. This baby could be totally easy going and opposite of Willow you won't know unless you try. Plus if you suspect you had PPD then see your OB right after delivery and maybe you needs to be on meds temporarily after you deliver alot of women do. Okay lastly before I end my book as for only children you are right 99% of the "kids" I know that are only children are spoiled but generally tend to do just fine as adults. But also your child being spoiled is the parents responsibility too. Hannah wants for nothing and is an only child however she is not a brat and does not misbehave like some of the only children in her playgroup. No one thinks she is an only child which I guess speaks well of how I am raising her. Now that she is 3 1/2 and started preschool we are having issues with her attitude and saying things we dont' allow so that is VERY challenging and being pregnant and dealing with her without yelling or feeling overwhelmed has been super hard but at the end of the day she still cuddles with me and still says she loves me so I guess its more my guilt as a mommy than any real harm to her psyche. Will we go for a third??? YEP. Call me crazy. I am also kinda hoping its twins ha ha. With everything that has gone on I wouldn't change a thing I love being a mom most of the time the other times are just when you need to appreciate you ARE a mom. I never understood why my mom always said I am changing my name. Now I do and I am ready to change my name too. Hope some of my rambling helped~~~~ :lol:

[MommyX3]

Amy-
I thought Andrea was going to be an only child, The pregnancy was high risk, our ob truely scaired us about the whole high risk stuff, then ofcouse she had very bad colic, we had to give her meds to help with that. Then juggling daycare and work too plu dh and I had diffrent ideas of how to raise a child. Thinking I could not deal with "this" again we didn't plan for more.
Then one day when she was @3 1/2 she started saying she wanted a sister to play with then started calling her cousins her borther and sisters.. We decided we just ttc and if it happened then it was to be. I now wish we hadn't waited so long.. theres almost 4 1/2yrs between them. Then came #3 with only 2yrs apart we can see how great the babies can and in the future will play together... But now I sometimes think Andrea gets cheated because the babies make it hard to go out and do things because we have to work it around naps and age...

I guess my suggestion is decide for sure how many kids you want in your life. BTW my second and third we much much better.. no colic, and just smiles when they wake and just very happy babies.. If it wasn't for my age and the high risk pregnancy issure oh and dh snip snip to make sure... we'd have atleast 2 -3more if it was up to me.

[wantingbabynumber2]

I will be 37 when this baby is born so I told DH the same thing at 40 we are done both he and I will get the snip snip clamp clamp burn burn whatever they have to do there will be no more children! I worry about the age difference too Hannah will be almost 4 years when this baby is born. And IF we have a third those will be closer in age.

[elsie]

Karen == no need for two surgeries, they can easily check whichever one gets fixed to see if they're still viable. My bro the vet used that term to describe himself so I figured it's fair game :wink:

Amy == I have two but before I became pg with ds2 (unexpectedly) we were both pretty sure we only wanted one. Ds1 had serious health problems as a newborn (none since, thank goodness) and if I'd been planning a pg it would've been years ... like 5 or so, until I felt ready to try. I completely understand what you mean about "high needs" baby for that reason ... I've been asking people about how they deal with irrational feelings of jealousy on the other thread and to give you an idea of what I mean by irrational, I am still jealous of people who have low-maintenance babies (11 years later) b'c I was never able to bask in the bliss of a healthy newborn, and when I had ds2 I also had a toddler who was literally running into the road most of the time. We'd go to a playground, I'd sit down to nurse ds2 and ds1 would completely ignore the play structure in favor of running toward the road, sigh. Those were so *not* the days. And as happy as I am with the family we have, there are stretches when the sibling rivalry threatens to unhinge me. It's very, very intense. I was happy for them to have a same-sex sibling (since I only have bros, no sis) but the competition between them is out of control.

Both dss' bf's are only children and while I wouldn't say they've escaped all of the selfishness you mentioned, they are overall great kids and they have wonderful relationships with their parents. Their parents do seem to care more than most about providing plenty of play opportunities for the kids, so the one trade-off I see is that they spend a lot of time hosting/entertaining other people's kids. My sil's are also both only children, sort of (one sil's bro died when he was in his 20s and one sil had siblings she didn't grow up with) ... and they are both wonderful women, one of them selfless to a fault at times. Most people who have only children are very conscious of guarding against the qualities you mentioned and that alone can make up for the circumstances of not having to share all the time with siblings.

Sorry for writing a book but I hope this helps ... whatever happens you can have a happy, lively family that makes great memories together ... no minimum number required.

[wantingbabynumber2]

Karen == no need for two surgeries, they can easily check whichever one gets fixed to see if they're still viable. My bro the vet used that term to describe himself so I figured it's fair game :wink:

Friend of ours had a single son hubby got fixed she got pregnant with twin boys after his swimmers were said to be zero! So then she got fixed and twins again. So after FIVE BOYS I am taking no chances we can both have surgery. And yes everyone asked her with the second ones if there were DH hubby was not pleased at all they almost divorced over that. But she also didn't have PCOS either.

[dasmith1128]

Amy-Firstly we never had any doubts, we always knew we wanted a big family, we would like 2 or 3 more, hopefully. That being said our DS was very needy and is still a lot of the time, I feel part of it has to do with how much we held him, I mean a lot for the first year and reacted to certain things. I have been a sahm the entire time and I held my ds all the time, anytime he made a peep I picked him up, I never left him till he was 3 months old and then only like once a month till around 10 months, he had no one else around except DH so he was used to us two and very difficult when my mom would babysit. Now he is better although having an adjustment period with new baby.

I will say that with the second one it is easy to look back at what I did with DS that I will definitely not be doing with DD and future children. I dont think it is parents fault children are more needy but catering to our children in certain ways can only increase their needy behavior. My dd is only 2 1/2 weeks so we have yet to see how she will really be, but I can say already she is completely different. As well both of my pregnancies were totally different. DS was a breeze, all I had was kidney stones once and not bc of pregnancy, with DD they had to do 33 u.s to rule out a problem with her heart, I had awful constipation, indigestion and aching back and rib pain the entire time, along withlow amniotic fluid, bed rest and biweekly nst, afp and bpp for the last month, so she was definitely more difficult as far as that goes. In the end they are all different and there is no way to know what you will get.

Sorry so long, but if you decide to just have your daughter you are not alone. You should not feel bad just like I wont feel bad because I want a lot, some people think badly of that as well. I wish you luck

[Sherri]

Amy, I feel the same way. We would have to consciously try to have another child - there is no chance it will happen by accident. We had been thinking of trying for another, but I feel like as a working mom, my time with Ava is so limited to begin with. I know I would have enough love for more than one child, but time and energy are another question. Another feeling I have is that having Ava is my dream come true. How can another child compete with that? Right now, I really feel like she fulfills my desire to be a parent. And the ONLY reason we would try for another is so that she could grow up with a sibling. I don't think we'd do right by Ava or any future child if the main reason we are having him/her is to serve as Ava's sibling. There are better ways to be a good parent to Ava and teach her the values we hold dear, and to allow her to feel loved, secure, confident and well-adjusted.

Carol and I have not made a final decision on this. In fact, she is the one who has more of a desire for another child, and had been hoping I would start TTC again this summer (she has no desire to be pregnant BTW). I actually loved being pregnant, and have loved Ava's infancy, and would go through it all again in a heartbeat. And we are continuing to store vials of sperm from Ava's donor at our RE's. But our lives are so stressful right now, we're not ready to add another family member. Especially when I think of the possiblity of multiples with Follistim and IUI, which I needed to conceive Ava and imagine I would need again.

Maybe when Ava is older and weaned I will feel differently. But right now we are doing right by Ava - and ourselves - to focus on the three of us. I know we will have to decide soon b/c of my age (36).

Babyzone recently had some articles on this topic. It really validates the decision to have only one child and says it's just a myth that "onlies" are spoiled and self-centered.

The Only Child Decision
http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/family_planning/a964
Dispelling Only Child Myths
http://www.babyzone.com/preconception/family_planning/a1625

[Leslie]

Oh how I can go on and on about this subject... I'll try not to.

First of all I am more or less an only child. All my siblings are adopted, but my first adopted sibling is nine years younger than me. He was 1 1/2 before we got him, so I was an only child for 10 years. I might be a little spoiled, but I feel like for the most part I put others ahead of my needs and don't feel selfish. Also, our Business Manager's daughter is an only child. Again she may be a little spoiled, but she is one of the most selfless people I know. She would do anything for anybody. She's in school to be a physician's assistant, volunteers for various things to help others and is involved in her church. I don't think it has anything to do with if you are an only child. It has to do with how you are brought up.

As for having another child I doubt we will have anymore. I would like to have one more, but as a working mom I don't see that happening. I have some of the same feelings as Sherri in that I don't feel I have enough time to devote to Arianna as it is, so who would I have enough time to devote to another child. Arianna is also my dream come true, and I too wonder how another child could compete. Unlike Sherri though I even question the having enough love, because I love Arianna with everything I have. How could I do that with a second. I know it is done, but at this point it's inconceivable to me.

All kids are different. I actually say I'm afraid if I had another it would be a hellian, because Arianna has been such a good child so far. She's happy and loving and funny. Sure we are having a tantrum here and there, but she is just so happy. The first three months were hard with her, but we've not had a problem since. You can never predict what they are going to be like.

As for giving Arianna a sibling... I too don't see that as a reason to have a child. I was never close to my siblings growing up (probably because of the age difference). Now as adults my brother and I are close, but my sister and I are not. I have friends that I am much closer to than my sister. In a sense my closest friends ARE my sisters. If Arianna has no siblings she will be fine. She will have friends and cousins.

Ok as I said I can go on and on about this. Ultimately it has to be your decision. I think you and DH need to discuss it, but as you pointed out you have to carry the pregnancy and are the primary care giver. I think in the very end it has to be what YOU feel is right.

[Leslie]

Fantastic articles Sherri. Thanks for posting them.

[Sherri]

Leslie, thanks for responding, I was wondering where you were with this since you first brought it up on the Moms board.

[dasmith1128]

I did want to chime in on the enough love thing because when I was pg with dd I though t there is no way I will love this baby as much as ds. He is my little man and everyday its me and him, I was soworried but the moment she was born I knew I loved her just as much. Dividing my time has been difficult I imagine it will take some practice just as it did adjusting to one baby but it is a work in progress and I am loving it.

[ahacker]

Thank you all for your input. Dh and I did agree from the beginning of our marriage, that if we had kids, we would have two. I love my brother and sister. I would want Willow to be able to enjoy having a sibling also. I know that people don't always have the same type of babies... high needs. However, some people do. I have bad luck when it comes to that kind of stuff and I am afraid I will get another one. I love Willow to death!! She is a great child. I just don't know if I could take two like her. :roll: I was a very difficult child as well as DH. I think it may be written in our genes to have another one. Willow was a very colicky child, as well as having reflux. We had a very difficult time bf. That, I know would be much easier for me the second time around. DH would love to have a boy, and I know he wants another child.
As for the not holding ... her ped recommended holding her if she wanted to be held. He said it made for much more independent children later. I guess the theory is, if you give them all the time and attention they crave in the beginning, they know you are there for them. It makes them much more comfortable in the end. I could see that, so I have been following his advice.

Then there is the money issue. DH only makes $28,000 a year. Willow and I are on medicaid from the state. Granted, I pay for it, but it is only $25 a month. He could make more money if he would just take a stand and demand a better wage. He doesn't like to make waves and his boss is totally taking advantage of him. I cannot imagine having to pay for another child. I hate being on medicaid. People treat you differently. However, I am grateful for it. Because without it, I wouldnt be able to go to the dr at all. I would like to go back to school, but I can't see that happening if we have another child. I could say, that if we had more money, I probably would have another. I would be less stressed out.

I guess this is something that DH and I should really sit down and hash out. He just ends up making promises that he can't keep. :roll:

[MommyX3]

Ahh Amy don't let medicaid be a concern,after #2 I just couldn't bear putting her in daycare and reduced my work hours loseing my insurance, and qualified for Medicaid, then came #3. I just figure I 've been working sence I was 15 and why not take a few years to take back what I've put it. I plan to go back to work when the girls are in school and will start paying back into a fund that will be broke before we see a dime of it. So why not grow our families...

Also I saw a studie that said due to not all American couples having 2+ children our country is shrinking in size and by some year in 70yrs from now the US will be 1/2 its size, and taken over by someother country... So its your duty as an American for all of us to have atleast 2 or more kids... :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
IF YOU WANT TO.... OR NOT
(Yeah dh makes me watch the news show on cnn called Gleen Beck he's got all the conspericay ideas.. funny thing he's ofter right... :? )


But yeah good idea to talk if over with dh.. and just be honest.. S IL where about and what kind of work does he do?

[ahacker]

We are around Carbondale.
Dh is a heating and air conditioning technician.
He has an associates degree in that field. As well as over 6 1/2 years of experience in all aspects of that field. (Installation and servicework)
He is NATE certified in:
gas furnace installation and repair
air conditioner and heat pumps installation and repair
He is EPA certified (to deal with freon)
He has also taken several Trane factory training classes as well as ClimateMaster Geothermal
He is also certified to do Gastite and Trackpipe (sp) types of flexible gas piping systems.

I think that pretty much sums it up.

Amy

[MommyX3]

I don't reconize the city... Would going out on his own and starting his own business be a consideration?
My dh has an associates degree in computers but couldn't get a good job in it, so we ended up buy a franchise and starting our own business.
Sounds like your dh has the knowledge and knows what hes doing and from my experence this is not a cheap service.

[ahacker]

He has thought about the business thing before, but I am against it. I am the one that would have to do all the work(the office stuff)... and I have enough to do already. It is very risky and hard to own your small business in Illinois. Plus, I don't think we could get a loan to start it up.

DH is very good at what he does. He does as many side jobs as he can to make some extra $$. He does get paid better from these, obviously. One problem is my DH is very narrow-minded. He only wants to work for a Trane dealer. He said they are the best and he only wants to work with their products. Fine and dandy. My DH is afraid to change jobs, I think. He is dyslexic and color-blind. He is a SUPER hard worker. He does occasionally get things mixed up, because of his disabilities. (He also has ADD, but that is another matter.) For some of these reasons.... I handle all the finances, any paperwork.... etc. Basically, he works and I do everything else. (Including most everything with Willow) He probably only sees Willow for about an hour a day anyway. Hence, this is why I am afraid to have another child.

We did have a conversation last night about it. With what little we talked.. he kept falling asleep on me. (Very annoying) He said, if one child was all I could handle, then he could deal with it. We would just have to be super diligent so she won't be spoiled. I think if we have her around other kids alot, this shouldn't be a problem.

Which brings me to more good news!! A friend of mine and I have decided to do some babysitting swapping. She stays at home too. Her son is almost 24 months. He and Willow get along pretty good. Willow loves to be around other kids. This way, one of us can watch both of them one day... and then switch later in the week or the next week. Whatever we need. We both decided we needed to have some childless days! So we will see how this works out. Hopefully, Willow will turn out to be less clingy! That would be great.

I am not closing the door on another child. Now I just know that I don't have to have one if I don't want to. Whew. Loads off my mind! Thanks for all the great input ladies!

Amy

[ahacker]

Oh I was just going to add....

My sister just told me yesterday that they only made $20,000.00 this past year. :shock: They are a family of four. I have NO idea how they have been making it. They seemed to be doing ok, though. Geez, if they can do that, we should have no problem on what we make.

[MommyX3]

Amy- thats great you can have peace with or with not having more!

And it is hard to start a small biz in IL. we have been looking into expanding into IL being on the boarder, ifs funny how much eaiser it is because we're not an IL resident. I to do all the paperwork and bills etc for our household and business... and well it gets nuts. This year we hired and account to do our taxes just to make sure I don't do anything wrong, I'm convensed dh has the easy part of business.. But if you do decide to do it down the road, have the business in your name the kick backs and support for women owned business is great.

That is soo cool you can swap days with childcare, you'll be amazed how quick your time alone will fly by.. at first you will miss having willow around, for me I had somuch I wanted to do but didn't know where to begin... Enjoy the day off!!!