Daycare and early development

[Asi]

When I read texasred1 story about her sister on the other threat I thought about the effect that day care can have on our kids. I have to go back to work soon and need to put my infant into daycare. In Austria we believe that the first year and a half are critical and should not be spend anywhere but with the parents. However, this is sadly not a choice for us. Need to pay our bills you know. Then I remember that a couple of years ago there was research done in the US about daycare and it showed that children in daycare where more social later in life. I can't find the article anymore.

Was wondering what your thoughts are.

[tracyrhymer1979]

I personally have seen a great change in Kallie since we put her with a home based day care. When we got her at six months of age from her foster home, she was clingy and had horrible separation anxiety. She would not let either me or DH out of her sight, not even for a second. Now, she is more friendly with others and will go with other people. She doesn't need DH and I with her 24/7. It was extremely hard to leave her, but it also builds trust that mommy and daddy will come back. Kallie knows that 330 means mom or dad will be there to pick her up. If its past 330, she starts getting fussy and anxious. Its amazing what babies know and how smart they are.
The opposite side is that she is picking up some of the other behaviors of the children in the day care. There is one mom who actualy said "if my daughter wants to get on the roof i will let her go to keep her happy." UHM, WHAT?!?! So Kallie is having throw down temper tantrums like this other little girl to try to get her way. We just ignore her.
Also, illness is easily passed around in day care.

Its kind of a catch22....not be able to pay your bills or worry about your child's possible emotional stability later in life. either way it seems like we lose.

good luck with your decision.

[Leanna]

Asi- I don't envy your position right now. It is hard making decisions when we know that they will afffect our kids forever. I certainly don't think that putting your baby in daycare will cause him to have multiple personalities or serious emotional problems later in life. However, obviously the place where he will be spending the majority of his waking hours will have a huge impact on his development. I tend to agree with the viewpoint that Austria takes, but if it's not a choice for you, it's not. What you can control is where you choose to place him while he's away from you. I say be picky. Talk to other parents, make sure there is a very low worker to child ratio and that the turnover rate is also low. Make sure that the daycare has an open door policy which allows you to drop by unannounced at any time. I would go there multiple times before you even enroll Erik. Look closely at the babies. Do they look happy? Also, look closely at the workers, do they look like they enjoy what they are doing? Is there a place close by to where you will be working so that you can visit him on your lunch breaks?

One of my good friends sounds a lot like that lady Tracy mentioned. She told me that she feels guilty being away from her daughter all day, so she doesn't want to be the "bad guy" (i.e. parent) at all during the time she has with her. I understand her feeling that way, but seems like it's even more important for her to be a parent since she doesn't have as much time with her.

Good luck! I hope you find a place that you feel comfortable with. You have to do what's right for your family.

[texasred1]

Asi - I replied on the other thread too, but please don't see my sister's story as the norm. Her issues stemmed from a bad biological mother and horrible foster parents - not daycare.

I do however understand your delimma of daycare. I too have to pay bills which therefore I have to put Mason in daycare. It is a long process of finding the right person for your little one and fortunately in my case I think I found the perfect match. I did a ton of research prior to finding the right one.

I agree with Tracy and think that kids who (even as young as Mason was when he started) attend daycare are not so clingy. And they do learn from other children there. My sitter marked off a little area and had Mason in his bumbo seat next to a box of toys, there was a little boy in there with him who doesn't walk yet, he was picking toys up out of the box and then Mason started doing it. Now that's a good thing. Bad thing he also picked up the cold that was going around. But like my mom (a teacher of 35 years) said, picking up these colds now will build up his tolerance.

I think it does make them more social. Don't get me wrong, I would love to be a sahm, but I think if you find the right child care provider it can work.

[hollydlr]

Asi - we haven't had to deal with daycare issues yet, and I think we'll be able to work it out so that I can stay home at least most of the time, but we might need some part time childcare sometime. Anyway, I think one of the most important things about having your child go to daycare is that you spend a lot of time and effort being with them when you are together. For example, since he's still little, maybe when you're together you can have him in a sling or front carrier, or even sleep with you at night so that he gets plenty of contact and bonding time. Studies show that the better attached children are to their parents (i.e. - it looks like "clingy" when they're little) the more confident and independent they'll be when they're older. Also, the foundation of trust you build now carries on for a long time. I do agree that its great to have kids learn that when mom and dad leave, they are going to come back reliably - a very important trust builder. I would look for a daycare that has a very low turnover rate of caregivers because one of the worst things is when kids get attached to someone there and then the person quits... They can have the same kind of loving attachment relationships with caregivers as with parents but it needs to be a long term thing - having that person disappear every few months is more likely to teach the child not to trust any adults because you never know if they're not going to be there for you tomorrow. KWIM?

[wantingbabynumber2]

I have been staying home with my daughter and she had medical issues and lots of surgeries so she was clingy to me and my family just because she was weary of strangers. However that being said she is a very independent child. We started her in preschool for "socialization" and she has really come out of her shell and will talk to strangers. She is well adjusted and not a mama's girl at all. She has never gone through separation anxiety and sometimes its like why is my kid so independent. My girlfriends little boy is a year younger than my daughter and has been in daycare a home setting since he was born and it the neediest clingiest kid I have seen in awhile. So there can be claims for being a stay at home mom and those who will sing praises of kids being in daycare. I think the bottom line is ultimately how you handle your child whether they are home with you all the time or if you only see them evenings and weekends. How do you interact with them and give them the attention, love and discipline they need. That is what makes a healthy well adjusted child.

[prinny]

I dont envy anyone's difficult decision to pop bubby in daycare. It IS a necessity for 90% of new mums. I agree with Leanna, be PICKY. Most daycare centres now have live cameras so you can check on your little one, online.

I thank the money gods every day that we are lucky enough to have in-home help. Of course, that raises it's own set of nightmares. Lucky for us, we've hit the jackpot.

Good luck!!!

Prinny xxxx

[bays mom]

Asi- I am sorry about the choice that you had to make. Lucky for me, my dh and I have for the most of our marriage have done it on one income. So when we had ds, I was already a stay at home wife, so tha was never an issue. Sure money is tight, but we manage. As far a day care goes, I will never (hopefully) have to make that decision, but I do worry about my son not being around other children. He is 13 months now and has NEVER played with another child. I think that is one of the plusses of day care that my son is missing out of. And being able to do what other people tell him to do (adults).
I agree with the others, be PICKY! But don't beat yourself up over it. I think you are doing what is best for you family

[medic_632]

I am sorry that you have to make that decision...when i had my first DD i was only able to "afford" 3 weeks off work, i didnt have a leave plan and i was still in college so i had to make do...i took her everywhere i could with me and he rest i had family to help me with (no DH, had her on my own) when i did finally hire a babysitter outside of my own family Haylie was uncontrollable...she would hate it, cry scream act scared and make me feel like a horrible grump...as she got older i took back to my family to watch and she became very clingy and shy...she would scream bloddy murder if anyone even talked to her nearby...i had to place her in a day time-summer camp the summer before she was to start pre-school cause i was sure i couldnt stand the strain if hearing her scream and be miserable in pre-school, and we all know that any school is a vital part of a childs development...so i did it and now looking back i wish i had exposed her to some type of daycare even a acouple days a week from the start, it would have made things much easier on both her and I...NOW she is a very socially functional and happy little girl who has done 3 years of school without any difficulties

[mara232]

My kid is at home with my mom and MIL. After last weeks music class - I realized how much of a social reject he is with his peers. The other kids are daycare kids and were running around and playing and being social. He just sat in a corner by himself. It was heartbreaking to watch EVEN though I know he is still young, he just didn't know what to do.

DH and I have agreed that we'll put him into daycare 2-3days a week when he turns 2 or 3 so he can be more social. Until then we're setting up regular playdates and every saturday will sign him up for a class where he has to interact with other kids. I wish we had gymboree in town. :?

[Leanna]

I've seen plenty of shy, withdrawn kids from daycare too. Kids all have different personalities. Jack gets to "play" with other babies and kids all the time. Mostly they crawl on top of each other and use each other as teething rings. Babies and toddlers should learn social skills from adults, not each other. :) Now once they hit that 3-4 year range I think they really do benefit more from interaction with peers. Bonnie didn't go to any kind of preschool and I don't know what I would do if she were any more social. Ear plugs would be involved though.

[mara232]

Leanna - He isn't shy. He freaks out with other kids because he is used to being the king and getting everything and 100% attention. he doesn't understand how to be a part of the group. Well - it is hard to explain anyway. :D

[Leanna]

Mara- Hehe a sibling will help him with those issues too. ;)

[mara232]

Working on it..no pressure though eh? :lol:

[mara232]

Actually he needs a little sister to kick his ass into gear! LOL :lol:

[wantingbabynumber2]

Mara I had such guilt and pressure to have a second child after Hannah I was like she has to have a sibling. And then with the infertility and PCOS I was so worried. And everyone around me was like so when is the second one being born. I don't envy you. It will come in time. If we go for a third its great if it happens if not then we have 2 wonderful girls but sure would like one boy. or twin boys shhhh don't tell hubby. Since this baby is coming early I told DH if he hurries up and gets me pregnant again I could possibly deliver by the end of the year and we could get 2 kids on our tax deductions Just Kidding!