Looking for a little advice

[jellybean]

Currently, I am working part time (25 hours a week) out of financial necessity. My mother in law has been watching Zachary for me. I was able to tolerate working because I knew that my son was getting one on one attention from someone who loved his very much. However, recently she has been diagnosed with a condition where she can no longer lift him. She can not be his child care provider any more. I have to find some where else for him to be.

Unfortunately, I have a long history of child care and it is not pleasant. I was molested by the husband of one provider. In fact, in all the years of day care I attended, I do not have even one pleasant memory. I have tried very hard to think of something. Yet everything I am getting is negative. Lack of care, being hungry and no one caring, being hit or otherwise abused by the other children, no one stopping that, crying without comfort, and many others are the only things I can remember. I went to boat loads of different places so it is not just that I was in one bad place.

Now, my DH has gotten a second job. When it starts in January, we will finally be making enough money to pay our bills with some left over. That is with me working. However, Zachary's childcare is going to put a huge dent in what I am making, and we will have more gasoline expenses because we only have one car. In reality, I think we could almost survive on what he will be making alone. It would be lean, but better than we are doing now. There would not be any left over.

Here is the deal. I still do not feel ready to leave my 8 month old in the care of others. Two weekends ago, I spent the entire weekend crying so hard that I hurt all over. I had a splitting headache, my sides hurt, and I felt as if I had been hit by a truck. Yet I kept crying. I was ok for a few days, but I had yet another crying fit yesterday. I am still crying off and on today. I am totally in anguish. I do not feel good about the care providers I have found, and even though we have been praying for an alternative I can feel good about to appear, so far nothing has.

DH told me to quit and stay home with him then. The caveat he put on this was that he would expect me to be a stay home mom until Zachary was old enough to go to school. Unfortunately, as much as I am tempted to do this, there are problems with this alternative for me.

First, I have just started a new job which I really enjoy, and I do not want to let the people I work with down. This job is a great resume builder, but leaving would mess up my job reference for the last four years because this was an internal promotion. In addition, there is a good possibility that if I can get my Master's Degree I could work for my current employer as a college professor. That alternative would probably go up in smoke if I quit now. This totally fits my longterm career objectives. However, I am willing to sacrifice this and more to make sure my son is ok.

Second, I do not really have the patience needed to be a stay home mom. I love my son so much it hurts some times, but I cannot imagine myself with him 24 hours a day 7 days a week for prolonged periods of time. This is especially true on the days when he is extremely fussy. I never fail to give him what he needs, but sometimes I feel like running screaming from the building. I think I could probably learn skills and techniques to help deal with my lack of patience, but for now it is a very real difficulty.

DH says I am just so afraid of the child care thing that I cannot see the situation clearly, and that he thinks I should stay where I am. He is willing to support my decision, but I dislike feeling like I have to make the decision alone. I want what is best for my son. I do not feel childcare is the best. I am very torn and do not seem to be able to make up my mind. The emotional and rational parts of me are at war.

What do you guys think?

[Leanna]

Jellybean,

I don't envy you a very tough decision. It's good that your hubby is being supportive, but you are right that it kind of places all the decision on your shoulders. :( It doesn't seem like it should have to be so black and white between you working or staying at home full time until Zachary starts school. I understand your hesitation in leaving an 8 month old with someone you don't know. You didn't mention it, but are there any other alternatives to day care centers you can turn to? Any friends who are stay at home moms? You might see if there is a group called MOPS (mothers of preschoolers) that meet in your area... it's a great way to meet other moms, both working and stay at home and everywhere in between. Maybe someone who is personally recommended as a child carer would be easier to trust than someone from a large center or from an ad in the paper.

I know for myself right now, if I worked full time as a teacher (my career of choice once kiddos are in school) we would not really be making much more if any after we deducted childcare, cost of transportation, eating out more, higher tax bracket etc. Granted, I am not really setting back my career because, at least here, teachers don't start out making much money and don't end making much either. :roll:

Something else you might do is take advantage of the fact that you are working part time right now to really check out potential child care options on your days off. Drop in at lots of different times. Really look at the kids and the way the carer interacts with them. If this person will be spending 25 hours a week with your baby, you really want someone who supports the parenting choices that are important to you. Your gut is telling you to be picky for a reason.

I'm so sorry... I'm guessing that your MIL's condition doesn't leave you lots of time to find someone else. I wish you the best of luck whatever you decide to do!

[SusieW]

I understand your point of view, and I must say this, no matter how much you think you are closing career doors, and you may be, the career will always be there. There will always be work to do.

You do not feel good about day care and it's not likely you ever will. I felt the same way you do. I chose to stay home. I work only when DH can care for our son. It was the only thing I was comfortable with as no other immediate family lives near by.

Stay home, care for your son. You will learn how to cope with him, you will get a network of other stay at home moms to look to. You will adapt. When you are ready, you will return to your career, and grow from there. I promise you, the job opportunities will not be what they are right now exactly, but there will be opportunities. However, you will never get those years back with your child.

There is a good quote, "No man, (or woman) on their death bed says, 'I wish I had spent less time with my family and more time at work' ".

I applaud families that have good childcare and choose to be two income, I applaud families that have no other option financially. I understand their plight. But, my response is to your situation, and to me it sounds like you need to stay home, you just need to hear that it is O.K., and to be reminded that work will ALWAYS be there.

Good Luck, I'm sorry you're struggling so much with this decision. I hope I didn't come across as judgmental or harsh, I really am just trying to help.

[Leslie]

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time jellybean.

I totally understand you're not being comfortable with daycare. I never had to go to daycare, but I don't want Arianna going to daycare. I know it's the only option for some, but if that was my only option I probably wouldn't be working. I just worry as a baby that she can't tell me what's going on. Also, the whole kids being sick and passing it around thing bothers me. I don't think I'd be opposed to a daycare/preschool setting when she gets older.

I worry about the crying sessions you talk about. Do you think you have post pardum depression? I hate to even ask, because everyone around me keeps saying they think I have it. It drives me crazy for them to keep saying that. That being said though I did go to my OB's office yesterday to talk to them about it. They think I'm suffering from it, so they put me on Zoloft. To me it sounds like you might be suffering too. I'm not a doctor though.

Anyway I'm probably no help, because I'd really like to be a SAHM. I agree with Susie when she says there will be opportunities in the future. Zachary will only be little once. I'd say if you can swing it stay home with your little one.

[Kelansma]

JEllybean - In Australia (and I'm assuming it is the same there?) childcare providers who do Family Day Care are checked by DOCS (Dept of Community Services) as are all the adults in their homes. Now, the only problem is what if there is no conviction? My son was in a Centre and I think for your fears they are a safer option. I liked the girls looking after him there but the rules and bull**** were soooooooo frsutrating. He went to Family Day Care with a woman whose husband worked funny hours and was often home. I felt weird at times if he was there cuz in our society we don't trust men aroudn kids 100%. The only two men I really trust 100% are my dad and my husband.

I've change dhis care recently to a woman who has grown up kids and when I have seen her husabnd there he is too busy watching his big screen TV to worry about the kids. He onyl gets one day off during the month anyway. My son follows her older son around if he is home...and chats to him. He really adores her very attractive 18 year old daughter too. If boys come to visit her daughter whoa re not DOCS cleared they tend to stay out the front.

Meet with carers and be VERY open about your experiences. They will know you will be vigilant and if this freaks them then they aren't the carers for you. Family Day Care is heavily regulated and people from the office visit the carers and report back to the aprnts via little notes and you can call them anytime with your concerns. Perhaps call and see what you can do.

Do you have a friend who is staying home? Perhaps they could watch your child? Family Day cAre is much cheaper than a centre...a centre fofers you a bit more security.

[Kelansma]

At an absolute pinch I could stay home but I have good hours (I'm a teacher) and I earn the most right now. Working my butt of grading various statewide exams I got us to a point we actually have some SAVINGS for the first time in our marriage. Taking the pressure off I think helps my son. If I stayed home we'd continually be fighting about money. Money is a big issue and can lead to divroce. My mum was aworking mum and I am not scarred. My son still lvoes me husband and I.

[Bec]

Currently, I am working two days from home and three days in the office. My MIL watches Emma those three days. Come May 1, that will change because my boss won't let me do it any longer, which I am not upset about because they have gone out of their way to arrange this for me. If money were not an issue, I would probably be a SAHM, but money is an issue, so I have to work. Emma will go to the day care center at my company, so I will be able to see her everyday during lunch or whenever I like. Not ideal, but if I didn't work, we would face a major lifestyle change. I love being able to go out when we want, buying things for Emma when we want, etc, so I work. I also really enjoy working and spending time with my friends at work. I am happy with the day care situation.

The NYTimes recently (Nov. 1, I think) had an article run on the differences between day care centers and home day care. The study found that children in day care centers are 16 times less likely to be injured (from minor cuts to molestation and abuse). That is a huge difference! Some studies showed small differences in social skills between the two groups of children; children from day care centers were a little more likely to be aggressive and antisocial compared to kids attending home day care situations. Day care center children, however, scored higher in math and reading once they reached school. Again, those differences were small and can be disputed, but the safety numbers were so large there is no way to dispute them. So, if you are like me, and cannot afford to stay home, day care centers are a very good option.

It does bother me that there are so many germs being passed around, especially since Emma is so prone to infection being a preemie, but again I don't have a choice. (Having my MIL continue to watch Emma is not an option because she stays with us two-three nights per week now. I can't handle it for much longer!) One of the things that I really like about day care centers is that there is always more than one person in the room with a child. If a child is having a really bad day, or a teacher just has no patience, there is always another adult there to help out and give someone a break. I think we all have days where we just need a few minutes to collect ourselves, and day care centers recognize that and allow for that to happen.

No matter what decision you make, it will be the best decision for you and your family.

[Leanna]

Hannah- It's interesting the way they do the family-run day care in Australia. It's not like that here though. Here it is really left up to the parents to do all the background research when selecting childcare in someone else's home. Daycare centers are monitored a bit more, but atleast in KY, not much. In most of the daycare centers around here, workers are hired at minimum wage to keep the cost of running the centers low. This tends to result in a very high turnover rate and understaffed centers. There are plenty of good centers with well-paid workers who are very good at their jobs, but they can be difficult to find and usually cost quite a bit of money. And most of the large day care centers around here do not abide by the recommended carer/child ratios suggested by the American Academy of Pediatrics.

Bec- I think that's great that your company offers day care. More and more companies are starting to offer that now, and it's a great compromise for moms and dads that want/have to work. I'm guessing your company pays for some if not all of the cost of the childcare as well? If so, that's definitely a nice benefit! If not, just the convenience of having your child in the same building is very nice. Only a few of the larger and more progressive companies offer anything like that around here now.

I consider myself very fortunate to be able to stay at home right now. DD will be in Kindergarten next year, and I cannot believe how quickly this time with her has flown by. It was a financial struggle at first, but now DH and I are totally on the same page with our finances, and I don't even remember the last time we fought about money, but it's been years. Quite often what we see with our friends and family who have two incomes is that, rather than actually having more money available, their cost of living is just higher than ours: twice the house payment, double car payments, credit card bills, etc. I know this is not always the case, but debt is kinda out of control in this country right now. We have the highest rate of bankrupcy ever, and the lowest average equity in our homes, and for most Americans right now, retirement accounts are actually less than the amount we owe in debts. We've found that by saving for things we want instead of using loans (including cars) we don't really need that much money to live comfortably. Before, our money was spent before it even got here on our car loans, combined student loans, etc. And for anyone who's heard of the radio financial guru Dave Ramsey, I've apparently become a poster child for his philosophies during the course of completing his program. :)

DH was not on board with the idea of me being a SAHM at first, he thought the only way to have the things we needed and wanted was with two incomes. We agreed for me to stay home on a trial basis when DD was born (I think it was for six months) and it's been a really wonderful choice for our family so far.

[Kelansma]

Leanna - DOCS is VERY fussy. Centres must comply with their regulations and there are inspections. Same with Family Day Care. It make sit much safer. DOCS also checks out every teacher employed in the state system. DOCS says what day carers can feed them, whether pets can be around, they asses the space for the kids for safety etc etc.

I earn very good money for my age as a teahcer but we have a strong union. The gov't want sot pass new industrial relaitons reforms that could really screw all workers over and make us more like America.

My son is MUCH better off in family day care. Some little ***** scratched him at a centre and he still ahs the scar 18 months on. A kid there used to habitually bite him. I told them I better not get a call saying he is fussy cuz the kid bit him cuz I'd block my stack and report them to DOCS nor would I pay for the day. The kid was on some program but would still bite my son. They'd also complain about the clothes I put him in cuz sometime sthey weren't easy to do up. **** me dead! **** off! I feel safe because of the DOCS regulations.

[Kelansma]

DOCS is a federal body I believe so it maintians a national standard. For a country of our size this is easier to do though I would assume. You see horros videos form America of old people being treated like crap at nursing homes in America...I can't say it wouldn't happen here but there are regulations for caring for people who can't really speak for themselves.

[jellybean]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I don't feel any closer to an answer, but I appreciate all the support this group offers.

[Kelansma]

Jellybena are these options...

* doing some sort of party plan thing like Tupperwear?
* finding someone else in your situation and sharing the care...ie you wtch their child and in return they watch yours? Costs you both nothing but your time and effort
* is there something you could do form home when baby is asleep or husband is home?
* why don't YOU provide a safe environment in your home for women in your position? Who better than someone who has had bad experiences? You could pitch it to parnets in that way and they'd be thankful you were so honest about needing ti provide a safe environment. Probably start with getting a few older kids. What you AREN'T spending in day care should be considered as part of the income then you will see it would be worth your while.

Had I been blessed with twins I was going to sign up for Family Day Care and try to get my sister to put her 3 year old in care with me instead of the carer she was using.

[Bec]

Leanna - the day care center where I work is subsidized by the company a bit, but it still costs a lot of money (about $15000 per year). Other day care centers in the area cost less, but the teachers at this center are paid more than minimum wage and are given benefits. That means the teachers stay around longer, which is great. And, I really can't beat the convenience of having Emma right there with me. I think it is worth the expense especially since I don't have the choice. We can't afford for me not to work.

[karenh]

Its hard to make a decision about something like this, I understand your indecision. Your family is unique to you, you need to weigh the advantages of both staying home and working, daycare or not. Is there a possibility of working part time or working out of your home? I personally am a bit biased about the stay at home thing, I did daycare for 14 yrs and spent a little time in daycare centers, but mostly nanny and 3 yrs of home daycare in my home and I will tell you I am very limited with who I will trust with my children (I dont have any yet). I will never recomend a daycare after working there, I have seen the 2 faced women there, seen the children neglected and verbally abused, I have heard some mothers say good things about where they take their kids and I am sure there are some daycare centers that actually care for the kids, but I heard mothers say good things about where I worked and they just didnt know the truth about what was happening behind their back, I have truned in both centers where I worked, one was closed and last I heard was under 6 lawsuits. I know that after having a baby and staying home for a time does get you rusty and may set you back in the work world, but if you caould maybe take the first year or 2 then go back to work, by then your child will be able to communicate to you anything going on in the daycare setting. If you know someone you trust to saty with your child and you want to go to work then you need to do whats best for you and your family. I pray you find peace in your decision.

[Kelansma]

Karen - I can't believe the lack of care! I don't liek the number of kdsi in a centre. MY son was always sick and there wa sno chance ot individualise. He LOVES family day care. Rihgt now my carer lives 3 minutes form me. We live near a lot of road works os it's brill for me. He others parents didn't want to travel through it all. Anyway, Kelan is the kid now and he is loving it. He's gonna get a shock in January when the otehr kids start. She is keeping a space for my baby. Kids come there for alternate care when their carer is away and she has so many spots and she syas Kelan hates it. If anotehr carer and her kids come to play he hates it and she wants to ask them to leave. She also points out how much better at speaking Kelan is than the kids who visit with another carer or the kids who come for care for a few days. She actually sounds like a proud grandparent which amuses me. Cuz it's just him she's taken him to KFC for lunch and all sorts of extras. But that is family day care which is my only option ever now.

I keep in tocuh with a girl from the centre Kel was in...and I would elt ehr look after him in her home if she lvied closer. And some of the otehr girls were great. Once some of my favs left there were issues. Some of them were army wives so there was often movement among staff.

[greatOT]

Oh Jellybean, I don't envy you. You have had more to deal with than anyone deserves. I'm not trying to make you mad or take sides, but try to remember that your husband and friends love you. I know their comments about not being able to see the situation clearly and having post partum depression seem disloyal and unhelpful right now, but they really do have your best interests at heart. I'm not passing judgement either way, you are smart and capable and will make the best decision.

I wanted to give you some things to think about that may help in your decision making process. Staying at home seems like the best immediate solution, but you and DH consider these things first:

* will your husband be able (and willing) to take over baby duties when you need a break? (I just called my husband to come get our 13 month old off my leg because I declared myself off duty tonight.)
*How secure is your husband's job? If finances will be tight without your income you may be less tempted to save. If he should find himself laid off (god forbid) would you be able to manage for at least 2 months until you all got back on your feet?
*Can you take some sort of leave of absence from your job to get the situation figured out without losing your job? I can't remember the details of requirement, but the family and medical leave act may work in your favor here.
* Do you have a mommy community? crucial!!!! If not, get one!!!! You may be able to team up with a few other moms and share a full-time nanny or even sponser one of those international nanny things; you provide room and board and they provide childcare and do housework. I've never heard of families sharing a live-in nanny, but a few of my neighbors and I discussed sharing someone who would come into our homes. We felt this was a way to keep an eye on each other's kids and not just trust someone to do their best when you are not around to see otherwise.

I too thought I could never be a SAHM. But, I went back to work for 1 day and promptly quit. :) There are days I want to run away screaming (like today, hence being off duty!) and DH and I are still working out house and baby responsibilities. Fair does not always mean equal or 50/50, fair means everyone gets what he or she *needs*. At the end of the day we both have a hard time remembering the other has also worked all day.

Finances are tight, but I don't need Starbucks everyday, I can brew my own coffee in the mornings. Window shopping is just as much fun a date as dinner and a movie. And don't discount your mother in law completely. If she was willing to help before she probably still is, to an extent. My neighbor just had hernia surgery and can't lift her kids for awhile. She found that once the baby can walk she doesn't need to lift them, things can be rearranged so she can manage (change the baby's diaper on the floor instead of up on the changing table). And if you have a trusted neighbor at the ready she can provide babysitting, especially after the baby is asleep, so you and your husband can still have some time together.

I wish you all the best. You can do this.
Remember, you are strong and beautiful.

-Sarah

[jellybean]

:cry: :cry:

This last month has been one of the most difficult I can remember in a long time. This decision has almost ripped my family apart. We finally have compromised. I agreed to try day care for a month. If my son does not adapt well, I will quit and stay home. If we didn't need the money, I would have stayed home now. Unfortunately, we still really do have to have my income.

Today was the first day back to school so this was the day we started day care. When we got to the center in the morning, he went right to the day care provider. He seemed happy when we left and was playing when we got there to pick him up. We thought he was ok.

After we got home was a completely different story, my son spent over 2 hours crying. Nothing I could do seemed to calm him down for long. He did not want to be held. He ate a bottle and started screaming again. I changed his diaper even though it was not that wet and gave him teething medicine. He would not go down for his nap. He would not play with his toys. I ended up having to leave him screaming in his crib until he finally went to sleep. That is totally not normal behavior. It was pure torture.

[Kirstin in WI]

Julie -

I hope things get better with the day care situation. Zachary's crying may be due to teething, an ear infection (Kailey has one currently and we have gone through 3 days of pure torture with her crying and not sleeping as she couldn't get comfortable and her ear was giving her so much pain), or ?? Let us know how today went.....

When we started my son in day care he was about the same age as Zachary (9 mo) and he had such terrible separation anxiety that he cried almost the whole day at day care. It took a while for him to adjust, but then he loved it so much he didn't want to leave!!

Take things one day at a time and remember that we are all thinking of you...

Kirstin

[shweta]

Hi Jellybean,

First of all, <<hugs>>.

I can't imagine what you are going through. I really wish things get better for you. I don't want to complicate the situation by offering more advice, since I am a month too late, but I just want to let you know your family is in my thoughts and I will pray that things sort themselves out for you, one way or another.

Be strong, this will pass.

Love,

[rk]

Jellybean, what did you decide to do?