Working Mum Angst / What's Your Situation?

[Kelansma]

OK after giving TexasRed a big pep talk about not feeling guilty about returning to work I've been a bit rattled.

My immediate work mates are fantastic about my return to work and I need to rpeface this with that. I mean they udnerstand my baby brain and are appreciative that I even came back to school a little early to get things sorted out. I also needed the money but felt funny leaving Cohen. I put this down to not loving him more than I love Kelan but my being more comfortable as a mum and confident because I have done this before. Whatever reason I felt more angst leaving my boys - even though Kelan was still in care while I was on leave, he was coming home early and staying home regularly.

A man from another faculty asked who was looking after my boys, when I said my family day care lady he asked, rather shocked, "Even the baby? The little baby?" as though I was a monster. I felt sick to my stomach and pretty low about myself. I then justified that my day care lady is like dropping him with a grandparent and that she and I get on very well. I shouldn't have justified myself.

Anyway today a friend of mine told me her husband is insisting she stay home for a year after baby is born. I think I'm a little jealous (even though financially they are in a tighter situation than hubby and I) and frankly I fele judged by her husband since if this is how he feels babies should be raised and I'm not doing it, what are people thinking. I know what people are thinking shouldn't matter either. Her mother in law also asked how baby and I were doing and when she said I'd gone back to work the woman evidently gasped and began a tirade about babies and day care.

I feel a little sad right now that I am in a profession that pays enough that even if we took into account my after tax income, child care and whatever else, I am in a position where it is worth our while for me to continue working. I think everything only worries me becuase I'd prefer to be at home.

When the next baby if born (if there is a next!) my student loan will have been paid off and I'll be able to afford to return to work 3 days a week. As it is the 4 days a week only came cuz I wanted a senior class and they don't split senior classes. This meant I needed to return to work 4 days a week in order to be there for my senior classes.

I feel so torn - my mother always worked, even when I was a baby she ran a small business and I went with her. Since she was the boss she could take me with her. My sisters who never went to child care are very full on about their feelings about child care. I went to day care from 3 because my mum went to Uni and worked weekends. So my mother of course says to snap out of it, even if we didn't NEED the moeny she'd be encouraging me, like my hubby, to better our situation.

I have friends whose husbands hate the diea of them working. Maybe I'm jealous they are treated like such princesses and I'm not? Maybe it's cuz after the bbaies hit the 6 month mark and become a handful I retreat to work for a rest and I feel a bit bad about enjoying work? I'm trying to start on the road to promotion too and while I fele ready for the promotion as far as my work goes, I enjoy not having responsibilities so I cna just coem home and be a mum.

I'm just going in circles! I thought part time was the answer...but with my student loan still looming it'll be two eyars before I can really afford to work a more part time work week of 3 days. My theory is my kdis would prefer I worked, put them in fantastic child care and struggled for them rather than them not exist. But maybe they'd prefer a huge struggle and for me to be home?

What do you gals think?

[Kelansma]

BTW I have returned to work now so I can drop to fewer days a week up until my youngest child goes to school but going on leave again would mean I didn't have a job to return to afterwards. Once you are off maternity leave you can't go BACK onto the maternity leave without pay. While on maternity leave without pay you get all sorts of benefits you don't get just being on leave without pay.

Stopping altogether isn't an asnwer but extending my part time is an option.

[Kitty]

I have to work. My husband is self-employed, and between my PCOS and his own health issues, we are uninsurable. I have to work so that I can get us in a group plan. (No matter what my job pays, we're coming out ahead because I'm saving us the $1200+ a month we'd have to pay for private insurance.) I also like the satisfaction of earning an income and contributing to my retirement account. I think I would go stir crazy at home all day, because I would feel obligated to have a perfect house, and I am a terrible housekeeper. I wish I could take Stasia to work with me, but that's not an option.

[esarah]

Hannah- All I can say is that you need to do what is best for you and your family and that you need to feel comfortable with your decision. It sounds like you family care provider is wonderful and that you trust her and that your kids love her! I think that is great and should put your mind at ease while you are working. Don't let anyone else make you feel guilty. Do what you know is right for you and your family and everything will be ok. It might be hard but it will all work out. I admire you for working so hard for your family.

[karenh]

Although I am not a mom yet, we are adopting 2 foster kids, and I will be a SAHM for as long as I can, and if I have to go back to work I will go back to what I am doing which will have me working part time opposing dh's work schedual so we will not have childcare at all. And with some of my clients I will be able to bring the kids with me sometimes.

[nopey]

Hannah- I feel for you. You need to do what's best for you and your family. Don't let others tell you how to raise your kids and what is best for them. 2 of my best friends work full time and wouldn't have it any other way. My friends in general are split 50/50 of who works and who doesn't.

I didn't know how to answer your question above.....(not trying to be difficult). I own 2 businesses, but I work out of the house. I work a little while Audrey is awake and I will take her to show houses, but I try to do the majority of my work when DH is home or Audrey is sleeping. I've only had to get sitters 2 or 3 times when I just couldn't bring her with me and DH was at work too. My income has not suffered since having a baby.

I think ultimately you and your DH have to be at peace with what you decide. Nobody else. It's nobody else's business. From everything you've written on the boards, I think you are a great mom and I wouldn't stress about what others say.

[lisamarie]

As of now Im a SAHM. Since Ive had Lucy Ive had two hairstylists jobs but they have been at night..to where Ive only need inlaws to watch her for a few hours. Then for awhile I watched my nephew. Then when I got preggers with Emma I stopped working and am now watching both of my nephews. I truely miss work. But with that said.....after having some major family(dhs side) issues this past few weeks I dont want to leave my kids with anyone other than me. I dont want to work and I dont want to leave them with anyone. If I HAVE to work...I will work when they are all in bed and do the opposite shift that dh. But this is for MY family.

I think the way everyone chooses to their own family work issues and things is really how you as the parents want. If what you are doin works for you and your family is happy..then that is what is best for you. You shouldnt let anyone try to knock you down for doin what is good for you and your family.

For you who work and need to get out and interact with adults and feel guilty while doin so...DONT FEEL GUILTY. I personally think if you are happier doin that...then mommy comes home a happy mommy and the family is happy. Where as if you stay home all day and you are unhappy not gettin to socialize much...a grumpy mommy...makes a grumpy family.

I always say...'if mommy aint happy..no one is happy'. lol Its kinda true though...your kids and dh feed off your mood.

For those of you that have to work. I understand kinda how you feel. My parents were both workin parents and I still enjoyed every bit of my childhood. I didnt feel slighted the least bit and truely enjoyed my family life.

[Kelansma]

Ideally I would only need to work 3 days a week. But like I said it was a time tabeling thing - senior classes mean the teachers who take them need to be there 4 days a week. 4 days a week also meant after tax I just went back to my old income before my previous pay increment increase. My one day off a week means I can spend some time with Cohen and have a dya to do a few little odds and ends like catch up on laundry, grab things from the store etc etc.

I don't like the air of being "better" that people without kids have about what they'll do. They don't know how they will actually act or what their situation will be. I think the girl I was talking about has a husband living in the 1980s when he was a kid - things were cheaper. I don't know how they'll make mortgage payments anyway let alone once they have a baby. They are hoping the professor wioll tell them they have time to wait (she has a ripped fallopion tube) so they can be financially stable. I would have liked the luxury of financial stability but that wasn't an option when I was 21 and found out about PCOS. We were young, fresh out of uni and only I had a "real" job. We preferred to struggle. My SIL who is a SAHM respects my decision to do it earleir and need to use care. She has a friend who knew she had no time to wait and is now 10 years later complaining she can't get pregnant. Had Cohen been my first we'd have been able to save so I could be off work for a year...My SIL used to work rotating shifts form her hubby but they never saw each other. I am lucky that I am a teacher cuz my kids are home by 3:30 (4 if I stay to chat to my day care lady....we cna tlak for ages!) and during shcool holidays I get a chance to do my school work so that the ngihts are for my kids. I also can spend a few days of each week of holidays with my boys.

Kitty - I usually feel like you but I'm rattled at the moment for some unknown reason!

[Terra]

Hannah--I think you are a wonderful mommy! You are doing right by your boys. You have a great daycare lady too, and I know those can be hard to find. You worked hard to earn your education and become the teacher you are now. Many kids will benefit because of your job. My mother was not a SAHM and I never expected to be one either. I did very well in high school, but just was not happy in college. Couldn't find my calling, so I only went for 2 years. I stay home most of the time, but I also care for another baby. And I still go in to the daycare once a week or two if they need me. Things were awfully quiet around here with just one baby too! I actually like chaos and want a bunch of kids. So for us, financially without a degree I wouldn't make a lot of money anyway. So if I want 4 kids, it just works out for our family for me not to work full-time. I think you CAN have a professional career and a family. Most people in America have to have a 2 incomes just to get by in culture today. We were just blessed with a great salary from DH. As long as you, hubby, and your boys are happy keep doing what you're doing and don't let anyone tell you that you are a bad mother, cuz you're not! :D HTH

[tracy]

Hannah --

I'm full-time, with a very demanding career (CPA). There's definitely guilt, but I worked very hard to get here...so "throwing it away" to stay at home wasn't something I wanted to do. Also, I'm the primary salary / benfits in our family, so it really wasn't even an option.

As for people's opinions, try to ignore them. You'll never impress everyone. Your sons and husband seem very happy with the family's situation, so you're doing something right :D

Tracy

[tracyrhymer1979]

Hannah,

I am part time (now) and on call 24/7. I run a therapeutic foster care agency, so even though I am not in the office, I can still answer crisis calls for behavioral problems, etc.

I would love to work full time from home, though, although I do enjoy getting away from the kids sometimes to have adult contact.

Its all about what is best for you and your family. Good luck to you! Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for your choices.

[Leslie]

Oh how I know what you're feeling. Like everyone else has said only you can decide what is right for your family.

I struggle daily with working full-time. Honestly I've figured out I probably wouldn't be as good of a mommy if I stayed home all the time, but I sure would like to only have to work part-time. It's just not an option for us right now.

Several years ago I lost my job when the company I worked for was bought and moved to a different state. At that point my plan was to go back to school to get my teaching degree. I just wasn't happy with the business world. Yea, I was going to make a lot less money teaching, but at least I was going to feel good about the job I was doing. To make a long story short I'll just say it didn't work out, because of my DH's job situation. I don't know how teaching is in Australia, but here in the US it would allow me much more time with Arianna. Our teachers have close to three months off in the summer, about 1 1/2 weeks at Christmas and a week long spring break. Schools starts earlier than most jobs and it gets out earlier than most, so it would have allowed me more time with my baby in the evenings. Maybe someday I'll still have the opportunity to follow my dream.

As for the hubby who doesn't want the wife to work... my sister has one of those. Her little boy is two months younger than Arianna. Admittedly my sister didn't make a lot of money when she worked, but her DH now won't let her work. Their finances are so bad that my mom buys all my nephews diapers, some of his food and clothes, etc. They can't even afford to buy batteries for his toys. :shock: Honestly it burns my butt. She could get financial assistance with his child care if she worked, and I would have no problem with that. Instead she sits at home on her butt and gets welfare. I don't see anything wrong with welfare for people who truly need it and are making an effort to better themselves, but I have a real problem with it when you could do for yourself and don't. Sorry... got on my soapbox.

I don't know if it makes you feel better or not, but recently my friend told me she read that if you are going to stay home or work less hours it was more important to do so when your kids got to school age. What she read said they will more than likely not remember you being home before that. Maybe that will be my goal... to be doing something different by the time Arianna goes to school.

Like everyone else said you seem like an awesome mom.

[texasred1]

Hannah - I have to chime in here. I have learned lots from you on this board with you already being a mom. I'm sure things are different in Austraila than here in the US. Seems you get more maternity leave, things just seem more family oriented, so to speak. I personally(even though I only know you from this board) can't see you being a sahm. You have to much to give in your current profession - teaching. I am the daughter of a teacher (my mom just retired after 35 years of teaching) and I regard her opinions (as a teacher) very highly, SHE offered a lot over those 35 years. She was still in college when she got pregnant with me. Teaching wasn't her first career choice, but back then if you had to work (professionally) and still have a career, teaching was the best option. She finished college and went straight into teaching, there was never any lag time, she was a working mom for as long as I can remember. My parents enrolled me in a daycare by the age of 2. To be honest, I don't know who watched me prior to that full-time. I know my grandmother played a big part in that, but not at first, they didn't live in the same city.

I don't think you should feel bad about what others have said about you returning to work. I didn't grow up with many kids whose mothers stayed at home. And now I only have one friend who stays at home. You do what works best for your family. In no way shape or form could I be a sahm. We have a mortage to pay, a car note, and we like living the way we do on two good incomes. I don't feel guilty about having to return to work after my maternity leave is up and neither should you!

(((hugs)))

[mara232]

Hannah - You have to do what is best for you and your family and screw everyone else and their opinions. I work full time, I am an engineer at an automotible manufacturer and I work 40hrs a week AND I travel. Ideally I would prefer to work part time but it isn't an option in my job. I am not sure if I would want to give up my pension I am building nor my benefits and $$. My mohter and MIL watch the baby.

But - I honestly think I spend more "quality" time now with Anthony than I did when I was at home!! I have worked it so that all chores around the house are done while he naps or sleeps for the night. It has worked out great. We do nothing but hang out together - the three of us on weekends. I have a cousin who constantly criticizes me for working. Whatever. I told her the other day "Just because you stay at home doesn't make you a better mother. Personally - I didn't think being a mom was a competition". *roll eyes* I just think some women need to pat them selves on the back for things they decide to do that they need to drag down people around them just to elevate how sacrifical they are.. Blech. :roll:

[Leanna]

I earned my degree before choosing to have a family and be a SAHM, and I tend to get guilt from the other side, along the lines of me "throwing" my education away "just to stay home." Tracy is right that you will never impress everyone. I think the fact that we tend to categorize it as "sides" is unfortunate, and hey, I did it earlier in this post. :) I didn't dream of being a SAHM as a kid. I was headed to graduate school and leaning towards law school when I got pregnant with Bonnie during my senior year. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to justify my reasons for choosing to be a SAHM without sometimes offending moms who have to or choose to work, even though that's not my intent. And on the flip side, I find myself getting defensive when working moms justify their career choice. Quite simply, when I held Bonnie, I felt in my heart that I was meant to care for her full time. Had my mom been able to be a full time carer (she watches her for an hour or two here or there but physically can't watch the kids full time) I might have given more consideration to working outside the home. I'm not trying to knock women who leave their children with non-relatives. There are plenty of great child care providers out there. Nursing on demand for atleast the first year is also very important to me, which is a choice that is not very compatible with working full time. Also, if I had had a professional "calling" that would have been a factor as well. I don't think every woman is meant to be a SAHM, just as not every person should be a doctor, teacher, etc. I wasn't heading to law school because I a felt a real calling, but because I was looking for a career where I could make a lot of money. The timing of Bonnie's birth made my decision even easier, because we were not used to having two incomes yet.

Hannah, I think Lisa is right on, what kids need most is a happy mom. I don't think you should question your decision to work because of opinions you are getting from friends' husbands, co-workers, etc. But I do think that if that doubt is coming from something inside of you telling you that you are in the wrong place, that's a different story. No one else can tell you what's right for you and your family.

[Kelansma]

Thanks - I've decided to remain part time for the rest of the year and to go 5 days a week for the 4 weeks I have a prac student from the uni. I'll do the 5th day as a casual and not come off my part time maternity leave.

Michele - you are right about feeling obligated to go back due to education. They couldn't even fill my position with a decent casual for 14 weeks! How crazy?! I was wanted and needed.

Someone said the most important time if when the kdis are at school - I have that part covered cuz I'll be home when they are home in the afternoon and on holidays. It's this time before that that is a concern.

What I'm worried about is that some people could survive on my husband's salary and we can't, they wouldn't be comfortable but they could do it............................................am I doing something wrong?

[lisamarie]

You probably arent as in debt as we are Id say.

But I dont get my suzie waxed either..maybe thats how I save money. heheheh SOrry Babs I couldnt resist!!!!!! You know I love ya!

By the wya.....I tell dh about you all the time and your nether regions haircuts. hehee He keeps telling me to get mine done....ok..Ive went off topic.....anyways.......

Our credit cards are too high..and Im sure its cause Im home.

[tracy]

Hannah --

Maybe you just live in a higher priced area. I know around here -- you cannot touch a decent (starter) home for under $300,000 nowadays.

They're building homes left and right starting in the 6's, 8's and into the millions and they're selling like hotcakes. Boy, I wouldn't want that payment!! :shock:

We have to maintain two good incomes around here just to meet the basic expenses and have some fun-money. We're certainly not in the lap of luxury, though :lol:

Tracy

[mara232]

Hannah - I would hate to work opposite shifts to my DH. He is such a great help and I love that the three of us together spend time together. On the flip side - if we could not afford a good nanny or if my MIL and mom could not watch - that would be the next ideal situation if we could not afford to be without my salary. My parents did it for 10 years while we were growing up. It was a bit weird and I missed out on "family" time - but I think I am an okay adult - pretty normal! :D

[texasred1]

Hannah - I think it's the lifestyle you're accustomed to, don't feel bad because that's what you want and are used to. Could dh and I live on just his salary? Sure. But, we'd have to move out of our house into something MUCH smaller and probably not in a good area of town, then that would be bad for Mason and his education. And I'm a suzie waxer too, so, I guess I could cut that out, as well as my Starbucks addiction, and the fact that we like to go out to eat on the weekends and we spend a good deal of money when we do (not bragging, just the way it is). So if we cut all that out and some other stuff, yeah we could do it, do we want to? No. Are our kids going to wind up a mess because I wasn't a stay at home mommy? No. I've seen both cases sahm and working mom. I think LisaMarie was right - happy mommy makes it work, period.

[mara232]

I think LisaMarie was right - happy mommy makes it work, period.

I hear you sister!

[Lovebug]

First, let me say, what an awesome group of women we are! WE ROCK!!!!

Here are my .02:
DH works for a gvt. contractor and makes $9.36/hr. After taxes, insurance and 401K he brings home about $250 week. Which is nothing w/a house pmt, car pmt and other bills. Our grocery store sells milk for $3.99 a gal! Gas is $2.99! And you have to drive 30 miles to get to a different grocery store or a Wal Mart.

We planned on me going to Nursing School before we got pregnant. I have always wanted to be a nurse and we have to do something or else we are going to sink.
Screw everyone else! You do what you have to do to survive! My cousin and SIL think that it is horrible that I am going to leave Emily to go to school. (Never mind that SIL has 3 kids and has been to college 3 times). But piss on em'! I am happy that I am going to be able to provide for my family in a job that I love. No one has the right to judge you. Both my parents worked and I had a great childhood and was able to experience things that would have been impossible with only one income. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what is right for your family! I agree with the happy mommy theory!
Now this happy mommy has to go make a bottle!

[Leanna]

Krissy- Your SIL is nuts. My MIL was a SAHM, and she wouldn't even go out and get a job when they were losing their house and getting behind in taxes, etc. Obviously going through forclosure and moving to another state wasn't good for the kids! Do what you gotta do, girl, and that's great that it's something you will love doing! I consider myself extremely lucky to be doing the job I want right now. We have a very low cost of living and are what some people might call "easily amused" so it has not been a huge struggle to survive on one income and still put money back.